Ms. Nice Gal – From Doormat to Empowered

Backstory

I recently read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” which was a turning point for me. I used to wonder why I, even though I was kind and thoughtful, had trouble in relationships, while men who were more selfish and pushy seemed to do better. The book showed me that my issue wasn’t my kindness but my habit of putting others first, completely disregarding my own needs. This attitude made me seem like a doormat to women in my relationships.

So I wrote an article “Mr. Nice Guy” Syndrome: A Recipe for Disaster. In it, I explore the harmful traits of people, particularly men, who always put others first in their relationships, even if it hurts them. Initially, I considered making the article apply to all genders. However, since the examples I used focused on men, I chose to stick to that perspective.

Reason For This Article

When I released the article, my dear friend Faieza pointed out that these traits are not limited to just men, and that also women can struggle with similar tendencies in their relationships. She was right, and I also felt a strong need to shed light on this issue from a woman’s perspective as well. And so I am now writing “No More Ms. Nice Gal .” So Here goes.

The Premise

Some women may make excessive sacrifices in relationships, giving an unreasonable amount of their time, energy, resources, or affection. This behavior can happen when they undervalue themselves and prioritize their partner’s wants over their own needs. Such a situation leaves the woman vulnerable to mistreatment. It creates a dynamic where “Ms. Nice Gal” can be taken advantage of – or even subjected to abuse.

When a woman prioritizes her partner’s happiness over her own, she may fall into the trap of believing that her partner’s love and approval define her worth. This may lead her to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behavior in the hopes of receiving more love in return. However, this can devastate their relationships, happiness, and overall well-being, even though she is a nice gal.

Not just Romantic Relationships

It is crucial to acknowledge that women who prioritize others over themselves can be vulnerable in all their interactions, not just in romantic relationships. Being a “nice gal” and constantly trying to please others can result in neglecting one’s own needs.

Self-sabotaging traits of Ms. Nice Gals

Enabling unhealthy behaviors in a partner: 

“Nice Gals” can fall into the trap of enabling a partner’s abusive behavior, often by rationalizing or defending their harmful actions – thus perpetuating a cycle of harm in the relationship. This problem is so common, and often ignored, that I would like to give multiple examples, hoping victims can recognize their predicament.

“Nice Gals” can easily fall into the trap of enabling their partner’s abusive behavior. They do this by making excuses or defending their harmful actions, which continues the relationship’s cycle of harm. This widespread problem often goes unnoticed, so I would like to provide several examples to help victims recognize their situation.

• Overlooking substance abuse: A woman may ignore or make excuses for her partner’s drug or alcohol addiction rather than encourage them to seek help.
• Tolerating emotional abuse: A woman may endure emotional abuse, such as verbal insults or controlling behavior because she fears losing the relationship or feels that she deserves the treatment.
• Allowing financial dependence: A woman may support her partner financially, even though they can support themselves, which can harm her own long-term financial security and independence.

Accepting mistreatment or abuse:

Many women tolerate mistreatment, mental abuse, verbal belittling, and even physical abuse in their relationships. This behavior often stems from a belief that their partner will love them more for it, or from the fear of losing the relationship. However, this choice to remain in a toxic relationship can have long-term harm and trauma on the individual’s well-being and mental health.

Feeling like a partner is the best or only choice: 

Women often remain in unfulfilling relationships due to a perceived lack of alternatives. This phenomenon can stem from an absence of self-worth and the delusion that they are undeserving of love and approval from others. For instance, a woman may tolerate mistreatment from her partner because she believes he is her only chance at happiness and security. 

Viewing abuse or mistreatment as love and support from their partner:

The disastrous effects of mistaking abuse for love can be profound and long-lasting. This distorted perspective often stems from a deficiency of self-worth, inducing women to accept maltreatment from their partner as a twisted manifestation of affection and support.

Regrettably, this cycle of abuse can further undermine one’s self-esteem, perpetuating a vicious cycle of unhealthy relationships. At its most extreme, this dynamic can result in the degradation and belittlement of women, inducing deep-seated emotional scars and self-loathing.

An example of this could be a woman who stays in a relationship with a partner who belittles her and calls her names. Still, she believes this behavior is because her partner loves her and is “just being honest with her.”

Desperation for attention and affection from a partner: 

A nice gal’s flawed view of love can transpire when she excessively anchors her joy and self-worth to her partner’s fondness. This conduct can stem from a lack of self-confidence and the belief that one’s value hinges on their partner’s love and approval. The hopeless pursuit of validation and attention from a significant other can take the form of repeated texting or calls.

Compromising Personal Values or Altering Oneself to Fit a Partner’s Expectations: 

While striving for compatibility and mutual understanding in a relationship is commendable, sacrificing one’s individuality and compromising one’s essential values can be detrimental to one’s well-being. This may manifest as forsaking personal beliefs, passions, or aspirations to align with a partner’s, leading to disenchantment and resentment. For instance, a woman may surrender her spiritual beliefs, not out of a change in conviction, but to appease her partner and earn their endorsement. She may also abandon beloved activities, interests, or social circles that make up a crucial part of her identity, to please her partner. Such fundamental changes can destroy one’s self-worth and happiness in the long run.

Sacrificing personal goals or career for the sake of the relationship: 

For a blissful and enriching relationship, it’s crucial to promote each other’s personal growth and aspirations, rather than impede them. A certain level of compromise is expected when engaging in a romantic partnership. However, forsaking your aspirations, objectives, and advancement can be a grave miscalculation. This creates an imbalanced dynamic, causing harm to your long-term contentment. Suppose you forgo a promising career opportunity or abandon your pursuits in favor of the relationship. This accommodation could also result in a state of financial reliance upon your partner, thereby relinquishing control within the relationship.

Feeling responsible for a partner’s toxic moods: 

Women who believe it’s their responsibility to make their partner happy and fix their problems can blame themselves for their partner’s bad behavior. This belief that they are to blame for their partner’s wrongdoing is a sign of control and confusion by their partner. It can have harmful consequences, like feeling guilty even when they are the victims of abuse, neglect, disrespect, or exploitation.

Trying too hard to please or impress a partner: 

Many women may struggle with low self-esteem or be belittled by their partners, leading them to seek validation and try to please their partners. The relentless pursuit of approval and the suppression of one’s personality to fit a partner’s expectations can cause immense harm and hinder personal growth. This can have a devastating impact on their self-esteem and leave permanent emotional scars. 

Avoiding conflict or not communicating openly and honestly: 

Women often stay silent in relationships to avoid conflict, which can harm their well-being, and damage the relationship. Holding back their thoughts and feelings can make them lose their sense of self, leading to anger and frustration. It’s important to know that avoiding conflict in an unhealthy relationship only continues the cycle of violence and weakens the foundation of mutual respect and trust needed for a healthy relationship.

Conclusion

Overcoming the “Ms. Nice Gal” syndrome requires embracing your self-worth and prioritizing your happiness. This journey can be challenging, especially if you lack self-confidence and believe your worth depends on your partner’s love and approval.

However, it’s important to remember that you are valuable and deserving of love, regardless of what anyone else says. By establishing healthy boundaries and valuing yourself, you can break free from toxic relationships and lead a life filled with growth, happiness, and empowerment.

Making these changes may require courage and effort. Still, the ultimate reward of personal growth, happiness, and success makes it all worth it. You can take control of your life and create a positive future for yourself.